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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30113634">The Greatest Fanfiction of All</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taliax/pseuds/Taliax'>Taliax</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Undertale (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Characters Writing Fanfiction, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Romance, Shipper Alphys (Undertale), alphys has terrible taste in ships, borderline crack tbh, everyone is so stupid and i love them so much, frisk has impeccable flirting advice, what could go wrong</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:48:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,261</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30113634</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taliax/pseuds/Taliax</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>While beta reading Alphys's Toriel/Asgore fanfiction, Mettaton comes across a story featuring himself and his favorite sexy skeleton.  Alphys encourages him to follow his heart (and make her third-favorite ship canon).</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alphys &amp; Mettaton (Undertale), Mettaton/Papyrus (Undertale)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Greatest Fanfiction of All</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Please don't click out because of the grammar errors at the beginning, they're there on purpose.  I promise Alphys's fanfic hurt me as much to write as it will to read</p>
<p>shoutout to alyce for beta reading and suffering with me, also to myself on 2012 FFN for reminding me how to write cringeworthy content</p>
<p>as always hit that sexy "hide creator's style" button in the top right if the papyrus font is unsexy to you</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Its beautiful, is it not?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Indeed it is,” I look up at the stars.  They hang in the midnight sky like a million souls, like all the hopes and dreams of my people.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I wasnt talking about the stars.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I blinks down at my once-wife.  The women of my dreams.  Only one other monster came close to her beauty, and she had found love with the captain of his royal guard.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But now isn't the time to think about Alphys.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Oh." I cough to cover my mistake.  "Were you perhaps discussing… the trees?  Or the mountain?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Toriel giggles, and whimsuns take flight in my chest.</em>
</p>
<p><em>“No, Gorey.  I am talking about </em>you.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Mettaton looked from the computer screen to his friend, who flushed bright red in her seat as she awaited his judgement.  Normally he would draw out the suspense, but he wasn’t sure she’d survive the next few seconds if he didn’t say something.</p>
<p>“Well.  Welly well well.”  He cleared his robotic throat.</p>
<p>“Wh-what’s that supposed to mean?” she asked desperately.</p>
<p>It meant that her story was trite.  Cliché.  She got bonus points for inserting herself in the narrative—perhaps setting Asgore up for a love triangle down the line?—but it was otherwise fairly bland.  Just a standard love confession between two fuzzy royals.  Maybe he would be more invested if the characters were monsters he cared about. (Or if she hadn’t written in first person.)</p>
<p>“You have a good start,” he began.  She wasn’t an actor, forged in the fires of constructive criticism.  Luckily, he knew how to be delicate. “Respectable sentence structure. Some poetic dialogue, romance… but it could use a few more killer robots.”</p>
<p>“Wh—no!  Nobody dies in this story!”  She shoved his computer chair away from her monitor.  He spun for a moment before leaning his elbow against her desk.</p>
<p>“Nobody has to <em>die, </em>darling.  They just need to <em>think </em>they might.” </p>
<p>“It’s not an action story!  It’s a domestic AU oneshot where they got back together after reaching the surface.  They’ve been through enough without adding k-killer robots!” She rolled her eyes and minimized the window, revealing her Mew Mew Kissy Cutie desktop.</p>
<p>“Save the drama for your readers.  You can keep your tropes, and I’ll keep mine.”  He patted the top of her head, and she glared.</p>
<p>“Are you going to give me any <em>helpful </em>advice, then?”  She crossed her arms.  “Maybe something that doesn’t involve rewriting the whole story?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Alphys-darling.”  He sighed heavily.  “You know fluff isn’t my forte, and I do not know the Dreemurrs well enough to say if they’re in character.  I can still check your grammar, if you would like.”</p>
<p>“Right.  Well, uh, I appreciate you reading it anyway,” she mumbled.  “I’d appreciate the grammar check.”</p>
<p>“Of course, beautiful.”</p>
<p>He rolled back over to her computer and clicked on her web browser.  Through some bump of her keyboard, though, he ended up back on her Undernet drive.</p>
<p>“Oh?”  </p>
<p>He blinked at the list of recently updated documents.  “torigore is endgame,” “ha ha i’m still sansby trash,” “handholding bc a girl can dream ok,” “nicepants,” “undyne if youre reading this: DONT,” “mtt brand shame”...</p>
<p>“Ha ha ha, you don’t want to look at all of that!”  Alphys practically dove into his lap to click on the fic he was reading earlier.  He picked her up by the collar of her shirt and dropped her back into her chair.</p>
<p>“Oh please, darling. I may have my genre preferences, but you know I support <em>all </em>of your work.  Especially when it’s free advertising.”  He winked.</p>
<p>She groaned, burning her face in her hands.  “I knew this would happen.”</p>
<p>“Alphys. I beta read the domestic fics of you and Undyne before you finally started dating.  You’re all out of shame, MTT-brand or otherwise.”</p>
<p>“I’m really n-<em>not.”</em></p>
<p>Her face was still covered.  That meant she couldn’t see when he extended his arm over her head and clicked into the fic bearing his name.  More than likely it was just a self-deprecating title like her other files, but her embarrassment only made him more curious.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>
  <strong>A/N: look you may think this is a crackship but trust me it’s going to happen!!!</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Also I feed on reviews, they’re an excellent source of whole grains and fiber for a balanced diet~ (Unlike the ramen I had for dinner ^^;)</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Papyrus’s hands are warm.  Of course they are. Theyre always covered in gloves.  Not even Mettaton, his boyfriend of one month and thirteen days, knows what his bony phalanges look like beneath the plush red fabric.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But tonight, that's going to change.</em>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><em>Oh. </em> Mettaton’s circuits began to heat.  His optics were glued to the screen, but Alphys rudely rolled her chair between him and the fanfic.</p>
<p>“I-I can explain!”  She shouted, still looking like she was going to catch fire at any moment.  “S-see, it was just an, an experiment!  T-to see if I could write s-some of my friends who I d-don’t ship as much.”</p>
<p>“You mean you <em>don’t </em>truly ship me and the great Papyrus?”  He looked at her in betrayal.  To think his oldest friend would ship bait him like this…!</p>
<p>“I-I don’t n-not ship it!  I mean, hehe, do… <em>you </em>ship it…?”  She peered over the top of her glasses.</p>
<p>“Darling, if there is anyone who can match me in glamour, it’s that sexy skeleton.”  </p>
<p>He still felt his soul pulsing just from thinking about him.  Papyrus… holding his hand… Mettaton could’ve fainted on the spot.</p>
<p>“Ha!”  Alphys perked up.  “I knew it!  Finally, one of my ships is going to be canon!”</p>
<p>He bit his lip.  “I wouldn’t get ahead of yourself, darling.  Papyrus is…"</p>
<p>Wonderful. Charismatic. Sincere.</p>
<p>And painfully skilled at shutting down romantic advances.</p>
<p>"What? You're not worried he's straight, are you? Because he's not."</p>
<p>"No, no, I know that.  But I’m…”</p>
<p>“Too afraid of commitment?  Married to your career?”  She picked up a pad of sticky notes and a pen.  “Maybe your cold, robotic heart doesn’t know how to express emotional vulnerability—”</p>
<p><em>“No!” </em> He plucked the pen from her hand and tossed it over his shoulder.  “I only have one chance to ask him out in the most fabulous way possible, and I’m.  Obviously.  Just.  Making sure my confession is perfect.”</p>
<p>She smirked.  “Suuuuure.  <em>Obviously.”</em></p>
<p>“I also need to have all of my affairs in order.  So that way if he says no, Blooky can cry me a watery grave, and I can move on from this mortal realm.”</p>
<p>“Pfffft, and you told <em>me </em>to stop being dramatic?”</p>
<p>He glared from under his bangs.  “I am a <em>star, </em>darling.  Dramatic is my default setting.”</p>
<p>“Your default setting is ‘popcorn.’  Which reminds me—”</p>
<p>“Yes, yes, it’s done.”  He popped open his chest panel and removed the bag of microwave popcorn.  “Now, are you going to give <em>me </em>any helpful advice?  Or are you just going to sit there and look smug?”</p>
<p>She choked on the popcorn she’d thrown into her mouth.</p>
<p>“O-oh, a-advice?”  She swallowed.  “You’re asking <em>me </em>for love advice?”</p>
<p>“You’ve read all eighteen volumes of Kaichou wa Maid-sama.  You’ve posted eighty-three works on fanfiction dot net.  And, most importantly, you have a buff fish girlfriend.”</p>
<p>“W-well… I had some help with that.”  She munched another mouthful of popcorn.  “I g-guess we could… roleplay it?  That’s how Frisk got me and Undyne together.  That and, um, she dunked me in the trash can…”</p>
<p>He stretched his arm behind him and picked up the pen, then stole the sticky notes.</p>
<p>“Roleplay.  Frisk.  Trash,” he echoed as he wrote in swirling cursive.  “Any other expert advice, darling?”</p>
<p>“Hmm… oh!  I know!”  A wide grin showed off her teeth.  “I can go on your show and announce your crush to a live audience.  Just like <em>someone </em>did to me.”</p>
<p>He tapped the pen against his lips.  “Would that work?  Papyrus <em>does </em>watch my show…  and it would be fantastic for ratings…”</p>
<p>Alphys smacked her forehead, leaving behind a sheen of popcorn grease.</p>
<p>“I was joking, Mettaton.”</p>
<p>“Oh.”  He frowned.</p>
<p>“Look.”  She rolled her chair closer and placed her hand on his knee.  “If I’ve learned anything from dating Undyne, it’s that the most important thing is being yourself.  If Papyrus likes you back, it won’t matter how you ask him out.”</p>
<p><em>If.  </em>That pesky two-letter word.</p>
<p>“Maybe I should just stick to fanfiction,” he murmured.  He’d never actually written fanfiction.  The closest was the half-finished entry in his eighty-seventh diary, where he’d daydreamed about how it would feel to smooch a skeleton.</p>
<p>“No!”  Alphys grabbed his arms with surprising force.  “My third-favorite ship is halfway to being canon!  You can’t give up!”</p>
<p>He raised an eyebrow.  “Only third?”</p>
<p>“W-well.  It has potential to move up.  A-and I’m not just encouraging you because of that!”  She laughed nervously.  “I want you to be happy!  It’s like I always say: real life is the greatest fanfiction of all!  So get out there and, and write that fic on the fabric of the universe!”</p>
<p>She hopped up and rolled his chair to the apartment door.</p>
<p>“Now <em>that’s </em>a line you could use in your torigore story,” Mettaton said as he was dumped unceremoniously in the doorway.</p>
<p>“It would, wouldn’t it?”  She smiled before shaking her head.  “Don’t distract me!  We’re doing this!”</p>
<p>“Wait, <em>we?”  </em></p>
<p>“I mean… you wanted my help, r-right?  I can hack into your visual and audio feed and be with you every step of the way.  Unless you’d rather not have a live audience.”</p>
<p>“No, no, that’s <em>wonderful, </em>darling!”  He pulled her into a crushing hug.  “But, ah… do we have to do this right now?  I’m only on my twenty-third draft of this confession.”</p>
<p>She pushed him back and poked him in the chest plate.  “And you’ll write twenty-three more if you don’t do it now.”</p>
<p>She had a point.  Yet his insides still buzzed anxiously at the thought of being honest with Papyrus.</p>
<p>“I won’t force you.  But if you do it, I’ll let you read the rest of this papyton fic.”</p>
<p>“You gave us a ship name?”  He beamed.  <em>Papyton.  </em>It was as perfect and adorable as the skeleton he was going to confess to.</p>
<p>And he <em>was </em>going to confess.  He was confident, he was glamorous, he was Mettaton!  He could do this!</p>
<p>XXX</p>
<p>He couldn’t do this.</p>
<p>No amount of roleplaying with Alphys on the walk to Papyrus’s Puzzle Park could calm him.  The fans under his backplate whirred with the effort of keeping his body cool.  At this rate, he was going to melt the park bench before Papyrus showed up.</p>
<p>Papyrus <em>was </em>going to show up, right?  They met at here in the Monster District of Ebott every Wednesday for “puzzle training.”  Really it was just an excuse for Mettaton to see the skeleton at his most passionate.  This park was one of Papyrus’s many side projects, which tended to multiply exponentially.  No matter how busy Papyrus became, though, he always made time to meet Mettaton at the center of this hedge maze.</p>
<p>He drummed his fingers against the bench, his other hand gripping the bouquet of pink roses too tightly.  Maybe it would be better if Papyrus didn’t show up.  Then he could invest in some more expensive flowers, maybe polish his dance routine— </p>
<p><em>“He’s en route!”  </em>Alphys’s voice in his ear startled him into jumping up.  <em>“Camera 34A has visual at the Nice Cream stand!”</em></p>
<p>Ethan’s Nice Cream stand was right outside the hedge maze.  Mettaton was forced to watch the bunny monster flirt with Burgerpants—er, Brad—every time he came to the park.  (It was horrible.  He was starting to actually ship them.)</p>
<p>“Why do you have a camera at the Nice Cream stand?”</p>
<p>
  <em>“So I can see when they’re having a sale, duh.”</em>
</p>
<p>“Are you sure it’s not because the cat and bunny monsters are cute together?”</p>
<p>
  <em>“Pff, do you really think I would—”</em>
</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“...In m-my defense, they’re practically a real-life coffee shop AU! Except replace the coffee with ice cream.”</em>
</p>
<p>“Alphys.  Darling.  We may need to find you some new hobbies.”</p>
<p>If she had a camera—one of <em>thirty-four </em>cameras—outside the hedge maze, then it was no wonder she shipped Papyton.  She’d probably watched all of his outings with Papyrus from the comfort of her apartment.</p>
<p>Well, at least someone had gotten to appreciate the show.</p>
<p><em>“Y-you’re right.  I’m horrible,” </em>she moaned.  <em>“I’ll turn them off right after this mission.  O-oh!  Looks like you’ve got company!”</em></p>
<p>Mettaton leapt to his feet, posing dramatically with his bouquet of roses.</p>
<p>“Oh?  That skeleton… could it be?  My one true love?”</p>
<p>Alphys’s cackles echoed through his ear-speakers.  She was loud enough that he almost didn’t hear the monster who’d just arrived.</p>
<p>“Um… Howdy?”  The tall, fuzzy monster pushed his sunhat back from his face.  His other hand held a pair of shears.  “Am I, um, interrupting a rehearsal…?”</p>
<p>“Y-yes!”  Mettaton hid the flowers behind his back.  “That’s exactly what’s happening!”</p>
<p><em>“Oh my gosh…!”  </em>Alphys gasped between laughs.</p>
<p>“Shut <em>up,” </em>he muttered under his breath.</p>
<p>“Oh.  Well, I’m sorry to bother you.  I was just going to trim these hedges, but I can come back another time.”</p>
<p>“Yes, yes, that would be great, toodles!”  Mettaton waved frantically, forgetting he was still holding the roses.  Several pink petals fluttered to the ground.</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“OH!  YOUR MAJESTY!  I DIDN’T KNOW METTATON INVITED YOU TOO!”</span>
</p>
<p>Why couldn’t Alphys just melt him back down to the Gamerblood Energy Drink cans he was made from?  That would be less mortifying than Papyrus walking in on this.</p>
<p><em>“D-don’t panic!”  </em>Alphys said, obviously panicking.  <em>“Asgore’s a sweetheart!  Just ask him politely to leave, and you can still have your romantic moment!”</em></p>
<p>“Please, Papyrus.  You can just call me Asgore.”  He smiled.  Alright, Mettaton could almost see why Alphys had such a hopeless crush on him.  His smile was precious.</p>
<p>Not as precious as Papyrus’s grin, though.</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“EVEN IF YOU TECHNICALLY WORK FOR ME, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE YOUR MAJESTY!  OR WOULD IT BE ‘MY MAJESTY?’  I <em>AM </em>VERY MAJESTIC.”</span>  He rubbed his chin.</p>
<p>“You are,” Mettaton practically swooned.  The self-confidence radiating off of the skeleton was enough to make him giddy.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Focus, Mettaton!”</em>
</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“UNFORTUNATELY TODAY, I AM ALSO VERY UNPREPARED.”  </span>Papyrus frowned and pulled two Nice Creams out of… who knew where.  <span class="papyrus-upper">“I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ONE FOR YOU TOO, YOUR—ER, ASGORE.”</span></p>
<p>“It’s quite alright.  I wasn’t invited—I’m actually on the clock.”  He raised his shears.  “I wouldn’t want to miss my date with the rosebushes.”</p>
<p>“Perfect, darling.  You have your date, and we’ll have ours.”  Mettaton barely resisted the urge to push Asgore towards the maze’s exit.</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“DATE?”</span>  Papyrus’s eye sockets widened.  Mettaton swore he saw sparkles in them.</p>
<p>“Date?  Did I say date?”  He chuckled nervously.  “I meant late!  You’re late, darling.  The Nice Cream is already melting!”</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“HUH?  BUT NICE CREAM IS MAGIC, IT DOESN’T—”</span>
</p>
<p>“And I got you a present!”  He interrupted before Papyrus could finish calling him out.  Asgore tiptoed away behind the skeleton while Mettaton proffered the bouquet.</p>
<p>Which, unfortunately, had gotten rather disheveled from all his gesturing.  Several of the flowers looked rather bald and sad (as opposed to Papyrus, who looked bald and stunning.)</p>
<p><em>“This is a disaster,” </em>Alphys murmured.  Mettaton wasn’t sure he was supposed to hear that.  <em>“I take it back.  Don’t be yourself.  I’m calling in the cavalry.”</em></p>
<p>Ouch.  Well, he couldn’t blame her for her lack of confidence… even if Papyrus kindly ignored his romantic fumbles.</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“WOWIE!  FOR ME??”</span>
</p>
<p>“Of course, beautiful.”  He winked.  No matter how badly he mangled his love confession script, he could always fall back on his sexy bishounen eyes.</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“THANK YOU!  I KNOW THE PERFECT PLACE FOR THEM!!” </span> He moved both of the ice creams to one hand, then plucked a rose from the bouquet.</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“IN THE SEXY COIFS OF MY VERY COOL FRIEND!!!” </span> He tucked the rose behind a lock of Mettaton’s hair.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Oh my gosh, how do we unpack that?? He just friendzoned you and called you sexy in the same sentence!!”</em>
</p>
<p>“Don’t remind me,” Mettaton moaned under his breath.</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“HUH?  IS SOMETHING THE MATTER?”</span>
</p>
<p>“No, no, Papyrus-darling!  Everything’s perfect.  I’m perfect.”  He flashed a dazzling grin.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Uh, g-good save?  You might want to stop that eye twitch, if you can.”</em>
</p>
<p>Mettaton was starting to think that Alphys was not going to be much help.</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“YOU ARE!!  NOW WOULD YOU LIKE A BAR OF THIS VERY COOL NICE CREAM?”</span>
</p>
<p>“I thought you’d never ask.”</p>
<p>They exchanged flowers for frozen treats, and Mettaton’s fingertips brushed Papyrus’s glove.</p>
<p><em>“Premarital hand touching,” </em>Alphys gasped.  <em>“Scandalous.”</em></p>
<p>He flushed.  Was he sure that she couldn’t hear his thoughts?</p>
<p>He and Papyrus sat down on the bench, as they often did at the end of their puzzle-building sessions.  Today, though, the only puzzle was the maze of Mettaton’s feelings.</p>
<p>His script was in shambles.  He could hardly woo Papyrus with a dance routine while holding ice cream.  What was he going to do?</p>
<p><em>Love yourself!  I love you!, </em>his Nice Cream wrapper read.  Somehow, the handwritten sentiment made him smile.  He briefly imagined that Papyrus gave him this particular message on purpose.</p>
<p>In between bites of his lemon-flavored treat, Papyrus disassembled the bouquet.  It was a habit of his, taking things apart just to put them back together.  Though in this case, he just put the flowers into various gaps in his bones.  His ear socket.  Beneath his clavicle (which was elegantly exposed by his light pink v-neck).  Between two of his vertebrae, above his mint green shorts.  Under his patellas.  His antics were enough to help Mettaton relax and enjoy his own sprinkle-and-sequin-flavored Nice Cream.</p>
<p>Suddenly a digital <em>beep </em>startled him.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Alright, the cavalry’s here.  I added Frisk to the call.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“‘Sup, Uncle M?”</em>
</p>
<p>Mettaton choked on his Nice Cream.</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“ARE YOU ALRIGHT?”</span>  Papyrus asked, his browbones furrowing in concern.  <span class="papyrus-upper">“THIS TREAT IS SUPPOSED TO RESTORE YOUR HP, NOT UN-STORE IT.”</span></p>
<p>“The Nice Cream is wonderful, darling,” he replied, still trying to cough the food out of his vocal speakers.  “You always remember my favorite flavor.”</p>
<p><em>“Good start, but you’ll need a more direct compliment,” </em>Frisk said.  <em>“Genuine compliments are his weakness.”</em></p>
<p>Weakness?  Mettaton wasn’t trying to <em>attack </em>Papyrus. This story did not feature killer robots. Unless you counted his killer good looks...</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“OF COURSE I DO!  MY MEMORY IS LIKE A STEEL TRAP.  WITH DEADLY SPIKES!”</span>
</p>
<p>He smiled.  Papyrus <em>did </em>seem to remember everything, from his favorite movie (Mettaton XIV: Death by Glamour Final re:MIX, the Musical) to his most embarrassing moment (previously the time he failed his own tile puzzle and went loopy from the electric shock, but that would likely be replaced by today’s events).</p>
<p><em>“He’s just staring at him,” </em>Frisk whispered. <em> “Are those… pink anime bubbles floating over his eyes?”</em></p>
<p>
  <em>“...I don’t remember programming that feature.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Come on, Uncle M!  I know you can flirt!  Try—gently caressing his bicep!”</em>
</p>
<p>Who had taught Frisk how to flirt?  They had surprisingly… er, advanced ideas for a child.</p>
<p>He reached out and skimmed his hand down the length of Papyrus’s humerus. His eye sockets widened.</p>
<p><em>“Great!”  </em>Frisk clapped.<em>  “Now reel it in!  Let’s hear that compliment!”</em></p>
<p>Mettaton cleared his throat for dramatic effect (and to hide the whir of his overheating fans).</p>
<p>“Those roses match perfectly with your shirt! I think you’ve discovered the next hot trend.  MTT brand fashion flowers: for wearing, not eating.”</p>
<p>He was pretty sure he heard the sound of a forehead colliding with Alphys’s desk.</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“UM, HAVE I?  I-I MEAN, OF COURSE I HAVE!”</span> Papyrus beamed.  <span class="papyrus-upper">“PUZZLES ARE MY PASSION, BUT I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MODELING ON THE SIDE. PUTTING TOGETHER A SEXY OUTFIT IS A LOT LIKE WORKING A PUZZLE, RIGHT?”</span></p>
<p>Oh dear.  Now Mettaton was imagining Papyrus in a tailored suit, or a flowing ballgown, or a pair of swim trunks… he was going to blow a circuit before he could even ask Papyrus out.</p>
<p>“A-absolutely,” he agreed.  “You would make the perfect model for my next line of products, if you would be interested…?”</p>
<p><em>“You’re here to bag a date, not a business deal!”  </em>Frisk groaned.  <em>“Bring it back on topic, M!”</em></p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“WOWIE!!  MODELING FOR MY VERY COOL AND FAMOUS FRIEND?? I WOULD BE HONORED!  I’LL BE SO POPULAR… I’LL BATHE IN A SHOWER OF KISSES EVERY MORNING…”</span>
</p>
<p>Mettaton’s brow furrowed.  “As long as they’re <em>my </em>kisses.”</p>
<p><em>“Finally!”  </em>Frisk cheered.  <em>“A great pick up line!  I knew you could do it!”</em></p>
<p>He hadn’t actually meant to say that out loud.  But if he had Frisk’s seal of approval, it couldn’t be a disaster, could it?  Even if Papyrus was looking at him rather strangely.  It was the look he usually reserved for particularly difficult puzzles.</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“METTATON… ARE YOU, PERHAPS… FLIRTING WITH ME…?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Oh my gosh I can’t look...”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Aunt Alphys!  You know Papyrus has a big fat crush on him.  He’s gonna be fine.”</em>
</p>
<p>Papyrus?  Had a big fat crush on… <em>him?</em></p>
<p>“Y-YES!”  Mettaton shouted.  The last bit of his ice cream plopped onto his leg, but he wouldn’t let that distract him.  “I’ve been flirting with you this entire time!”</p>
<p>Papyrus blinked.  Then looked Mettaton up and down.  Then <em>frowned.</em></p>
<p>“I-I mean, I’ve been <em>pretending </em>to flirt!  For my upcoming movie!  It’s important to method act, you see, and…”</p>
<p><em>“Be honest with yourself, Mettaton.  Be honest with him!”  </em>Alphys encouraged.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Yeah!  Don’t give up now!”</em>
</p>
<p>“...and I.  Am sorry for lying to you.”  He clutched his empty ice cream stick between his hands.  </p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“YOU MEAN… YOU AREN’T FLIRTING WITH ME?”</span>
</p>
<p>Mettaton shook his head.  “No, I was.  Am.  Trying to, anyway.  I… would you believe I was too afraid to be more transparent about my feelings?”</p>
<p>Papyrus reached over, then gently wiped the ice cream from Mettaton’s leg with his thumb.  </p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“I DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE AFRAID OF ANYTHING,”</span> he said in a surprisingly quiet voice.  <span class="papyrus-upper">“AND I REALLY THOUGHT YOU KNEW BETTER THAN TO BE AFRAID OF ME.  I MEAN, I AM A BRUTAL KIND OF GUY, BUT… YOU’RE MY FRIEND, METTATON!  I’D NEVER HURT A FRIEND.”</span></p>
<p>Mettaton’s soul plunged as if he’d just been dropped straight into the Core.</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t mean to.  You’d turn me down just as politely as you are now—”</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“WAIT.  TURN YOU DOWN?? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’D SAY NO TO DATING THE SEXIEST—AND, UM, POSSIBLY ONLY—ROBOT ALIVE???”</span>
</p>
<p>He blinked.  “Well.  Maybe.  Because.  You called me your friend several times in a row?”</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“YOU ARE MY FRIEND!  MY GORGEOUS, HILARIOUS, WONDERFUL FRIEND WHO I ALSO HAPPEN TO LOVE ROMANTICALLY!”</span>
</p>
<p><em>“That makes sense,” </em>Frisk said without a hint of sarcasm.  Mettaton barely heard them, though.  He was too busy short-circuiting from the words “love <em>romantically.”</em></p>
<p>“O-oh,” he stammered.  </p>
<p>Was it too early to melt into Papyrus’s arms?  Alphys would know; she was the queen of fanfic tropes like that.  But she was strangely silent.  Perhaps she’d passed out from the drama of it all.</p>
<p>“I love you too, darling,” he finally got out, his face plates heating.  “Also romantically.  Obviously.”</p>
<p>Papyrus laughed.  <span class="papyrus-upper">“YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE MORE OBVIOUS!  YOU DON’T EVEN WEAR CLOTHES!”</span></p>
<p>“What does <em>that </em>have to do with anything?”</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“IF YOU WANT TO DATE SOMEONE, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PUT ON NICE CLOTHES TO SHOW YOU CARE.  EVEN I KNOW THAT!”</span>  He tugged at the end of his shirt. </p>
<p>“So you… didn’t know I liked you… because I don’t wear clothes?”  He <em>knew </em>he should’ve sped up production on his fashion line.</p>
<p>
  <span class="papyrus-upper">“THAT AND BECAUSE YOU FLIRT WITH JUST ABOUT EVERYONE.  HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING LESSONS FROM FRISK?”</span>
</p>
<p>Their laughter echoed through his speakers.</p>
<p>“...Perhaps,” he admitted.</p>
<p>
  <em>“You should put on some clothes now to show you care.  And get a picture.  Aunt Alphys passed out, but I know she woudln’t want to miss it.”</em>
</p>
<p>Mettaton grinned.</p>
<p>“You know, I think they would agree with you.  I should put on some nice clothes.”  </p>
<p>Papyrus raised half of his brow ridge. <span class="papyrus-upper"> “DO YOU KEEP A SECRET DATE OUTFIT ON YOU TOO?”</span></p>
<p>“Well.  No.”  He scooted closer to Papyrus on the bench, letting their pinkies brush.  A shiver went down his spine.  “Actually, it’s on <em>you.”</em></p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“OH… YOU WANT THE FLOWERS BACK?”</span>  He frowned.</p>
<p>“Hmm—? No, darling.  Your shirt.  Hand it over.”</p>
<p><em>“Oh-oh gosh, Frisk, I’m not sure you should be watching this…”  </em>Alphys must have been revived with the power of Mettaton’s incredible flirting.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Aww, Aunt Alphys!  But you let me watch Robo Smooch Smash with you!”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“And if your mom ever finds out I’m going to literally die.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Not as much as you would if she found out you shipped her with—”</em>
</p>
<p>Mettaton switched off his speaker.  He didn’t need any more commentary—the star could take it from here.</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper"><em>“OH.”  </em></span>Papyrus winked before slowly pulling his shirt over his shoulder blades.  <span class="papyrus-upper">“ONE SHIRT.  HANDED OVER.”</span></p>
<p>“Th-thank you.”  He wiggled into the soft pink fabric—careful not to snag it on his sharp shoulders—and took a deep breath.  His scent sensors picked up traces of rose, lemon, and Midnight Moon cologne.  “Is this better?”</p>
<p><span class="papyrus-upper">“MUCH BETTER!” </span> </p>
<p>Papyrus suddenly pulled him into a hug.  He could feel every trace of his ribs even through his newly acquired shirt.  His arms were solid and strong and everything Mettaton hoped they would be.</p>
<p>(Even if his hands were still covered by his gloves.  They’d address that in the sequel.)</p>
<p>“Good,” Mettaton chuckled, “because you’re not getting it back.”</p>
<p>As he melted into Papyrus’s embrace, he decided that Alphys had been right: real life <em>was </em>the best fanfiction of all.</p>
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